Well, welcome back. This is the second post of my blog- and I don't think anybody read the last one, but if you did - thanks! I think the first person to follow my blog will be awarded the Huffbert Medal of Distinction... more on that later (there won't be any more on that.)
Sometimes i'll refer to myself in the 3rd person (Huffbert likes to do that) kind of like Caesar in his Gallic Campaign letters. You know the ones i mean.... anyway if this bothers you... sorry. (Huffbert is sorry).
Also normally I probably won't write my blog on a daily basis- today's the exception because I have a bit of time off work. But normally I guess it will be twice weekly, or failing that thrice fortnightly (failing that five times a month at least).
Before I start let me just explain the numerical/alphabetical system which fronts every blog topic to come. They all go back to my grand design as laid out in my first blog topic "foremost introduction". So this is Part 1 The Primary Pleasures Section A Looking After Your Animal Self Subsection 1 Staying Fully Formed (hence 1A(1) ) OK... got that? You will be...... (?)
On with the blog....
Staying Fully Formed
So to really enjoy life, your basic concern, most fundamental urge in fact, should be to stay fully formed. In particular, concentrate on retaining the use of your eyes, ears and system of locomotion and mobility. If you were born without any of these, then you're probably used to it by now, but if you lose one at some point in your life, you'll find it a real downer- so don't.
Throughout the duration of the course we will have a vision of life in mind- the vision will cover a lifespan of 100 years. We're planning to live 100 years. You have signed a lease of life, and God has given you a 100 years on that lease. They're yours to enjoy. Anymore is greedy. Any less is because you haven't been following my advice; and God may want his deposit back.
So I want you to die.... ha ha not now but at age 100, fully formed, peacefully and in your sleep. With functioning eyes, ears, legs, arms, nice skin and teeth- with all (count them) all your marbles. If you must lose one faculty, then let it be your sense of smell- which is kind of overrated (in fact sometimes not having this sense could even be a blessing).
So how can you ensure you retain all these essential bodily parts? Read on, to find out.
Ok, well most loss of human form is from 3 main sources.
1. Transport related trauma.
Don't take unnecessary risks - probably avoid 2 wheeled motorized transport. Air travel is pretty safe- go that way. Take a xanax if you feel stressed in a plane. When you drive, drive safely- don't drink booze before/during, leave a massive gap between you and the car in front, drive a bit slower than the speed limit, stay in your lane, and check your mirrors when changing lane. Stay in the middle lane- the fast lane is full of idiots wanting to go fast and getting up your arse, and the slow lane has the danger of people entering from slip roads. If possible don't drive at night. That is when the twats come out. Oh yeah and if you're a pedestrian, use the designated cross sites- please!
2. Weapon related trauma.
Don't join the Army. Whatever you do. Unless you feel strongly about a cause- in which case go for it. You're much braver than I am. But be aware that you might not stay fully formed. I did a year in the Officer Training Corps as a student and one of our instructors had a face like Freddy Kruger who had been sat too close to a 2-bar gas fire. Not a pretty site- this inspired me to not join the army and not fight for my country (which I love and would do anything for- but not that). I would love to start a world-wide revolution where everybody said- hey woah wait a minute i'm not joining the army, i might get hurt! And then within a year all the major armies of the world would be facing recruitment crisis and before long they would have to demobilise because they are no longer feasible! Wow we've eliminated war! (apart from in countries without the internet- i guess we'd be a bit vulnerable to attack from those countries.)
Also you might want to avoid countries like America were they're into guns and stuff.
3. Miscellaneous accidents.
Be careful, there are accidents lurking everywhere. Take care out there- that's all I'm asking.
Well that's about it- I hope you have learned something. So each blog I will round off with a goal to incorporate into your 100 years of life, a pithy distillation of all the wisdom contained in this blog topic.
GOAL 1A1 Aim to keep the form you were granted at birth for the duration of your 100 year lease by avoiding accidents using your common sense.
Also don't forget to look after your teeth. Brush with a good toothpaste thrice daily and go for as check up to a dentist you can trust and who's not going to invent cavities twice yearly.
That's all for now folks! Join me next time when the topic will be (continuing with taking care of your animal self) How to stay Free.
That's me signing off,
lots of love
Huffbert xxxx
ps As always I'm sorry if I have offended anybody. And also sorry if I have made any mistakes in grammar or spelling. As mentioned this blog is open to everybody (all ages and sexual persuasions, both sexes and all three races). If you wish to contact me with thoughts, comments and destructive criticism please do so at huffbert@gmail.com
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Foremost Introduction
a-hmmm.
Good evening/afternoon/morning/night (delete as applicable to your timezone).
My name is Huffbert McClean, you can call me Huffers.. if you prefer.
I've set myself the task of laying out for you, via the process of this blog, my unique (fairly unique, I guess a lot of you probably do a lot of the stuff I advocate already) system of living- yes, Huffbert Mc's Grand Design for Life!
All of us in the developed world, (and I guess the developing and third worlds- although for the large part they're stuck with their lot) desire to improve upon their life. Thanks to the wonderful meritocratic nature of the society we live in (I am presuming you live in the West- if not best of luck getting here, try marrying old rich desperate men, it really is all that) we can do just that...
.... given the right advice, that is! Seriously that is where I come in. I don't know all the answers, but I will for the duration of this blog, pretend I do. At last just by follwing the advice I will give to you (lucky, lucky people that you are) over the next - erm however long, you CAN live the life you deserve.
Oh god that sounds like self-help bullshit. Right, first of all, this is not SELF-HELP (well it is obviously). Yes, its self-help- but its self-help for the intelligent, educated and well-balanced people who wouldn't normally swallow the vapid easy-answers peddled by the majority of self appointed self-help gurus (I guess Huffbert is one of those, but.. he's a bit different- he's open to criticism and he doesn't peddle easy answers- he doesn't peddle anything this is all for free- but if he did he would peddle hard answers, and unpleasant "home truths" (ooh a cliche- I will try to avoid those too.
Anyway, there will be no bullshit on this site- of the likes of you gotta actualize to realize, self-personify the succesful other-self.. in YOU! None of that here. There will be no -ize words at all (as a Brit I prefer -ise anyway). All advice offered will be concrete and meaningful (full of meaning) I promise no vague appeals to the inner power in you. This is very much self-help for the morbidly cynical. It will be concrete, firm advice, the likes of which my father taught me and would have taught you (had he been your father). In short read this, follow it and you will be able to get on and live a bloody good life- instead of crying because nobody loves you because you're fat and minging. You're not- you gotta believe in yourself- free the real you [STOP]
Here is an overview of the posts to come (in order of priority- the most important to one's life coming first):
PART 1 - The primary pleasures
1. Looking after your animal self - How to stay fully formed, free, healthy and fit.
2. Get yourself a soulmate - you'll need to be well dressed, well groomed, confidant, charming, funny, nice and positive. You'll need to maximise (a bit buzz-wordy sorry) your opportunities to meet her/him. And how do you know if he/she is your soulmate? Find out in time.
3. Get yourself a profession (not a job). You haven't got a clue have you- but you will (if you read the blog.)
4. Attain financial independence (hey I didn't say get rich.. you'll see...)
5. Own your own home. (But don't let it own YOU ((no, no I take that back that is bullshitese and I promised none of that)
and finally
6. Find meaning in life - whether through a family, artistic, political or business venture- we must all strive to find meaning in life, otherwise its all a big shit baguette.
PART 2 - Working towards the primary pleasures (I can't bring myself to use the word goal) by obtaining happiness on a day-to-day basis.
By this stage the posts are probably getting shorter because i'm running out of enthusiasm- like most modern people I don't finish what i start, but bear (bare?) with me they'll pick up again.
There will probably also be some stuff about not harming others or the world while you pursue your own selfish agenda.
PART 3 The secondary pleasures
Not as important as the primary but worth a mention:
Travel
Formal study (as opposed to self study which is ongoing, right?)
Sexual conquest (if you pay it doesn't count)
Sport (only play if your good otherwise its not fun at all)
Passive enjoyments (TV, movies, music, books, PS3)
Thrill-seeking (bungee jumping etc stuff twats do)
Illicit thrills of doing something dangerous or illegal.
and finally...
Friendship.... the only thing you'll remember once your dead.
and then they'll probably be a conclusion or something.
I am also following this course, taking my own medicine, and i'll let you know how its going. Working well so far....
Also this is for all ages, both sexes and all three races.
Well that's about it from me "Huffbert". I sincerely hope you join me next time when the topic of my blog will be:
TAKING CARE OF YOUR ANIMAL SELF- part 1 Staying fully formed.
Thats all for now,
all my love
Huffbert x x x
ps I'm sorry if I have offended anybody. And also sorry if I have made any mistakes in grammar or spelling. If you wish to contact me with thoughts, comments and destructive criticism please do so huffbert@gmail.com
Good evening/afternoon/morning/night (delete as applicable to your timezone).
My name is Huffbert McClean, you can call me Huffers.. if you prefer.
I've set myself the task of laying out for you, via the process of this blog, my unique (fairly unique, I guess a lot of you probably do a lot of the stuff I advocate already) system of living- yes, Huffbert Mc's Grand Design for Life!
All of us in the developed world, (and I guess the developing and third worlds- although for the large part they're stuck with their lot) desire to improve upon their life. Thanks to the wonderful meritocratic nature of the society we live in (I am presuming you live in the West- if not best of luck getting here, try marrying old rich desperate men, it really is all that) we can do just that...
.... given the right advice, that is! Seriously that is where I come in. I don't know all the answers, but I will for the duration of this blog, pretend I do. At last just by follwing the advice I will give to you (lucky, lucky people that you are) over the next - erm however long, you CAN live the life you deserve.
Oh god that sounds like self-help bullshit. Right, first of all, this is not SELF-HELP (well it is obviously). Yes, its self-help- but its self-help for the intelligent, educated and well-balanced people who wouldn't normally swallow the vapid easy-answers peddled by the majority of self appointed self-help gurus (I guess Huffbert is one of those, but.. he's a bit different- he's open to criticism and he doesn't peddle easy answers- he doesn't peddle anything this is all for free- but if he did he would peddle hard answers, and unpleasant "home truths" (ooh a cliche- I will try to avoid those too.
Anyway, there will be no bullshit on this site- of the likes of you gotta actualize to realize, self-personify the succesful other-self.. in YOU! None of that here. There will be no -ize words at all (as a Brit I prefer -ise anyway). All advice offered will be concrete and meaningful (full of meaning) I promise no vague appeals to the inner power in you. This is very much self-help for the morbidly cynical. It will be concrete, firm advice, the likes of which my father taught me and would have taught you (had he been your father). In short read this, follow it and you will be able to get on and live a bloody good life- instead of crying because nobody loves you because you're fat and minging. You're not- you gotta believe in yourself- free the real you [STOP]
Here is an overview of the posts to come (in order of priority- the most important to one's life coming first):
PART 1 - The primary pleasures
1. Looking after your animal self - How to stay fully formed, free, healthy and fit.
2. Get yourself a soulmate - you'll need to be well dressed, well groomed, confidant, charming, funny, nice and positive. You'll need to maximise (a bit buzz-wordy sorry) your opportunities to meet her/him. And how do you know if he/she is your soulmate? Find out in time.
3. Get yourself a profession (not a job). You haven't got a clue have you- but you will (if you read the blog.)
4. Attain financial independence (hey I didn't say get rich.. you'll see...)
5. Own your own home. (But don't let it own YOU ((no, no I take that back that is bullshitese and I promised none of that)
and finally
6. Find meaning in life - whether through a family, artistic, political or business venture- we must all strive to find meaning in life, otherwise its all a big shit baguette.
PART 2 - Working towards the primary pleasures (I can't bring myself to use the word goal) by obtaining happiness on a day-to-day basis.
By this stage the posts are probably getting shorter because i'm running out of enthusiasm- like most modern people I don't finish what i start, but bear (bare?) with me they'll pick up again.
There will probably also be some stuff about not harming others or the world while you pursue your own selfish agenda.
PART 3 The secondary pleasures
Not as important as the primary but worth a mention:
Travel
Formal study (as opposed to self study which is ongoing, right?)
Sexual conquest (if you pay it doesn't count)
Sport (only play if your good otherwise its not fun at all)
Passive enjoyments (TV, movies, music, books, PS3)
Thrill-seeking (bungee jumping etc stuff twats do)
Illicit thrills of doing something dangerous or illegal.
and finally...
Friendship.... the only thing you'll remember once your dead.
and then they'll probably be a conclusion or something.
I am also following this course, taking my own medicine, and i'll let you know how its going. Working well so far....
Also this is for all ages, both sexes and all three races.
Well that's about it from me "Huffbert". I sincerely hope you join me next time when the topic of my blog will be:
TAKING CARE OF YOUR ANIMAL SELF- part 1 Staying fully formed.
Thats all for now,
all my love
Huffbert x x x
ps I'm sorry if I have offended anybody. And also sorry if I have made any mistakes in grammar or spelling. If you wish to contact me with thoughts, comments and destructive criticism please do so huffbert@gmail.com
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